Walking Through the Dark Night
Pain, trauma, brokenness, grief, and heartache- all concepts most people desire to avoid in their lifetime. In fact, in our Western society, we hardly give space for these words to seep into our lives in any way, shape, or form.
I know for myself, anesthetizing my pain is often much easier than facing it head on. Because to look at my pain would mean that at times, I would need to feel the searing heartbreak of my reality. I desire to jump over or walk around the wall of my grief, not go through it. However, the only way to truly heal from grief is to temporarily leave the light of day and march straight into the darkness.
At times, the darkness seems to drag on: days, weeks, months, and even years. Will it ever end? Will I ever experience the warmth of the sun on my face again? Or is this my new reality? Questions. In the darkness, questions reverberate loudly off the walls of the eternal black night. But what do I do with all my questions? Where do I go? Who do I turn to? All too often my questions seem to disappear into the maelstrom of the dark sky. My questions are not begging for an answer necessarily. Underneath my questions are laments stemming from profound sorrow.
Some call it The Dark Night of the Soul- when you have more questions than answers about life and your journey. Confusion and abandonment mark your existence. The pain of life has a way of drudging up existential questions about purpose, direction, and meaning. We long for answers as to why certain circumstances were allowed into our lives, however, the season of the dark night is often marked by answerless questions.
When grief comes knocking on your door, as it does with everyone, what will you do with it? For most of us, it feels easier to seek after the next experience, high, or fix rather than sit in the dark night. Understandably so! We do not want to embrace our grief, because it hurts! The questions are overwhelming and it feels like our sorrow is draped over our neck like a heavy cloak. It is true, grief is deeply painful, however, healing and transformation are possible if we choose to move through discomfort rather than evade it.
So, what does it look like for us to face our pain instead of hide from it? How do we walk through the dark night in order to journey to the light of day again? How can we allow our sorrow to make us better instead of bitter? What does it look like to fight to see color in a world that has turned black and white? Grief looks different for every person, and there is no science as to how to walk through it. In the midst of my personal grief, a few significant tools have helped me continue to move forward in my pain.
The first letter of each tool or principle spells out the word, WARMTH. When you are wandering around in the cold, dark night, you often long for the warmth of the sun to shine on your face again. I hope these can help bring a sense of warmth back into your life whatever season you may be in:
1. Wait Patiently: Living in a quick-fix society, we long to swiftly move through the pain and heartache of life. Unfortunately, grief is a messy, non-linear, up and down, all around process. Be patient with yourself as you walk through the pain and remember that it takes time to heal. You may sit in the darkness for quite a while before experiencing the light of day again.
2. Acknowledge Color: After a significant loss, it may feel as though your world has turned black and white. We must fight to see color in the midst of our dark worlds. What I mean by color is acknowledging the little things you can be thankful for. Whether flowers blooming on trees in the spring, food on your table, or a kind word from a stranger, seeking to add color back into your life one day at a time can help lift you out of feelings of despair.
3. Real Friendships: As humans, we were fundamentally designed for connection with others. We were not created to face the brokenness of this world alone. Having friends to pour out your sorrows to, cry with, ask the hard questions with, encourage you, and love you in the midst of your grief is extremely important. We were made for love and connection, so genuine, healthy relationships become all the more important in seasons of loss.
4. Mentors and Counselors: Situations of grief have a way of drudging up areas in our lives that need continually healing and growth. Inviting a mentor, counselor, or both to walk alongside you to help you grow and process through your grief can be essential.
*Please note: Grief may catapult you into a season of significant depression. Walking along side mental health professionals may be important for your story. Do not be afraid to reach out for additional help if you need it.
5. Time with God: Everyone in the world does not believe in God, however, when loss enters your life, it is inevitable that existential questions about meaning will emerge. From my faith perspective, I believe that there is a God who is deeply personal and able to handle all our pain, questions, anger, and wrestling. Even if you do not know Him, you can talk to Him, journal to Him, cry out to him, and bring your raw, honest emotions before Him. He wants you just as you are. His love is unconditional. And our circumstances do not change His character or faithfulness.
6. Healthy Influences: More times than not, when going through a time of grief and sorrow, the desire to turn to anything and everything to make the pain go away arises forcefully to the surface in our lives. Food, sex, drugs, alcohol, work, school, friendships, relationships, travel, you name it. Although each of those activities may temporarily make the pain go away, turning to them to anesthetize your hurt will only prolong the healing process. As you plan that trip or reach for that drink, ask yourself, “Am I doing this to escape my reality?”
I hope that each of these principles will help bring warmth into your life as you walk through painful circumstances. No, they do not ultimately make the heartache go away, but they make it bearable. They make healing possible. And they help move you through your grief and sorrow back into the light of day.
In the world we live in, none of us can elude grief, loss, or pain. It’s an ever-present reality that we are aware of in back of our minds. Heartache can break us or grow us. The dark night has a way of coming for us all; however, there is great hope despite the pain. The deadness of winter always fades into spring. The leafless trees always blossom again. And the rising sun never ceases to penetrate even the blackest of nights.
Additional Resources:“A Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser; “Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering” by Tim Keller; “Making Sense of God: An Invitation to the Skeptic” by Tim Keller
